I have to start off by telling you that this post was challenging. I have sat and tried to formulate my thoughts and words for multiple weeks. And nearly every time the enemy has managed to distract me. He targeted my weaknesses. However, through my racing thoughts and racing heart the Holy Spirit guided me. First, He reassured me that this is a topic that needs to be shared. Second, He gave me two safe and supportive people to talk through my feelings of being overwhelmed, distracted and doubtful. He gave me a friend to reach out to. One who encouraged and prayed for me. He also gave me my mom. Who reminded me that the enemy hits us where it hurts the most. And that I should recognize that the process to writing this is a battle. One that he hopes he will win. And my Mighty Savior will not have that. Through His power I'm stepping into the vulnerable place of transparency. And as always, my hope is that someone reading this will feel connected to the words. And realize that they are not alone.
When I was in 6th grade I started complaining of physical symptoms. The main symptom being that I felt nauseous. The persistence and intensity of my complaints only grew. It became both confusing and crippling. And got to the point where I was terrified to even get in the car to drive down the street. And on the few occasions I actually did go somewhere it wasn’t long before I had to leave. I have vivid memories of being terrified to go up the escalator at Sears. To some of you reading this it may sound obvious. I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. However, it was anything but obvious at the time. My complaint was of physical symptoms. Let’s not forget how much we as a society didn’t talk about mental health in the 90s. And we certainly didn’t talk about it in the church. My parents diligently worked to explore what was going on with me through the assistance of doctors. Starting with the pediatrician, moving to a GI specialist and ultimately a psychiatrist. By the time I was in 7th grade I was diagnosed with anxiety. After being diagnosed I started taking an antidepressant and meeting with a counselor. Additionally, I also got prescribed an anti anxiety medication that I could take when I felt unable to settle from my panic attack. The process to get to a diagnosis was not quick. And the process to get to the point of somewhat understanding how to manage my panic attacks would be years in the making.
Looking back I can see how I started implementing coping skills naturally. And how I had certain things that would trigger a panic attack. Being in the car was a trigger. Really being in any mode of transportation. You would not see me get in a car or bus without a Sprite. In the car I needed to be in the front seat with full access to air conditioning. On the bus I needed to sit in the very front on the aisle so I could be the first one out. And if I sat in public places like church or a movie theater I also had to be in an end seat. I learned as an adult that my triggers are mostly connected to feeling physically trapped. And as you can see my coping skills were essentially ways that I could get out in a hurry. Growing up and even into early adulthood, I didn’t go around and tell people about my diagnosis. It was due to two things; a lack of understanding and shame. It took me a long time to even fully understand my anxiety. As a child and teenager I just remember how it always started with feeling nausea. And then my panic would grow. I would worry that I was going to throw-up and not be able to stop. And this is how confusing anxiety and panic attacks can be. In all of my years of this reoccurring scenario I have never actually thrown up. One would think my mind would be able to hold onto that fact and simply "get over" my disorder. However, that fact about never throwing up vanishes every time my anxiety starts. This alone makes it hard to articulate it to others. Just reading those few sentences should be a prime example of how more often than not, anxiety and panic is anything but logical. And if you have experienced a panic attack you will understand me when I say it can feel like you have lost your mind. So trying to explain that in a way that doesn’t make you sound like an over dramatic or unhinged individual can feel like an impossible task.
Having a panic attack is like drowning in 2 feet of water. Your mind and the rest of your body are disconnected. And if they would connect then your entire being would know and take the steps necessary to simply stand up so you could escape the torture. Ever felt panicked because you couldn't find your keys? Or your wallet? Or maybe your child stepped out of your field of vision for a split second. Then you know that feeling of your heart racing and your mind desperately trying to problem solve. All the while you are trying not to come completely undone. And when you find your keys, wallet, or, take a few steps and see your child; your feelings of panic subside. For people with anxiety, the experience of panic doesn't easily settle down within a matter of minutes. And sometimes you can be on the verge of settling down and the cycle of panic can start all over again.
This is why it's so challenging for me to face some of the things that I know will trigger me. Things like crowds. Being a passenger with people that don't know about my anxiety. And up until two months ago flying. The common thread has almost always been being "trapped" in some capacity. I long for comfort. Think about when you don't feel well. You long to be where you feel most comfortable. And if you have to be with people, you want it to be people that know you well and willingly assist in caring for you. From 7th grade until around the age of 20 I took an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication to help with my anxiety. Around 20 I felt like I no longer needed my medication. There was probably a good six years I was fine without my medication. And then the cycle started over again. I was living in an apartment by UNF while I was finishing up my degree. I remember getting on the shuttle one day to go to class and I started having a panic attack. I got off at the first stop. And ended up walking the rest of the way. First, because I couldn't handle being "trapped" on the shuttle. Second, because the distraction of walking and counting my steps sometimes helps me to calm down. And then I started having them at all hours of the night. I coped by calling my parent's house, telling them I was having a panic attack and driving to them. I would then get in my truck and drive nearly 40 minutes. Why? Because home was the place I knew I would be comfortable and get assistance. My mom would try her best to help. And like the protector I've also known her to be, she desperately desired to fix it. Sometimes in her desire to fix it she would ask me "how did it start?" And unfortunately for both of us that only kept me panicked. My dad has always had the gift of gab. And so he would sit out in the living room with me and just talk. He would tell me about what he did that day. And it would be just enough of a distraction that I would be able to calm down. And then I would drive back to my apartment. It wasn't long before I went back on both an antidepressant and anti anxiety medication. And I have remained on them ever since. I consider myself extremely lucky. In all of my years with anxiety my dosage has remained low. I have been on the same medications and dosage for the past 7 years. I have been fortunate to not have to go through the tedious and frustrating process of finding a medication and dosage that works best for me. Something that only adds to the level of anxiety one would already be battling. And my heart breaks for those that have to go through the trial and error of medications.
I think Christians often live in this lie that having a relationship with Christ makes you immune to a mental illness. Like accepting Christ takes away anxiety, depression or other mental illnesses instantly. I've heard many responses from the church throughout the years. While it should have been the place where I could gain support, it sadly failed on more than one occasion. I grew up in a traditional Southern Baptist church. And I don't recall hearing much of anything about the reality of mental health. Now please don't hear what I'm not saying. I do not regret my foundation. I am grateful that my parents have always been faithful in nurturing my spiritual growth. What I am saying is that the church avoided many topics. So I in turn did not feel that my Sunday School class was a place I could discuss my anxiety. I've heard Christians say that anxiety is due to not praying enough. I don't recall ever reading where God gave us a specific quota we had to reach everyday when it comes to prayers. He desires that we be in relationship with Him. And for a relationship to really work you must have communication. He is willing to listen to anything I have to say. And if there has ever been a time I prayed desperately and repeatedly it's been when I feel anxious. So, I'm calling bull crap on that one. I've heard Christians say that anxiety is due to not having enough faith. Insert eye roll, please.
Here's what I think. Anxiety, depression, mental illness and every other form of illness was not part of God's original design. And it entered our world back in the garden when the fall of humanity took place. When He created this world and all of the things in it He did not elect for us to suffer. There is a difference between common everyday anxiety that almost everyone experiences and clinically diagnosed anxiety. When I worry about making it somewhere on time the level of intensity is vastly different than the worry I feel while I am having a panic attack. Prayer and scripture do matter. In a panic attack sometimes all I can manage saying is "God help" as I breath in and out. And when I began to settle I can be more specific and give thanks. When my anxiety starts off on a lower level I can read scripture. And the bible is full of verses and passages that deal with anxiety.
Anxiety and panic is something I will have to deal with this side of heaven. The challenge is trying to manage it so I do not become crippled by it. Like most things in life, my anxiety ebbs and flows. I recently went on my first airplane. To you that may sound silly or small. Yet to me it was monumental. I would have never imagined being able to get on a plane where I would be trapped, and not have a panic attack the entire time. And when the opportunity arises I intend to take that step again. I no longer only sit in end seats at church or the movies. While that would be my preference, I have been able to take the steps to work myself up to being comfortable in the middle. Sometimes all we can manage is tiny steps. And I think that's ok, because it's better than no movement at all.
If you are reading this and you have anxiety, I hope you now know you are not alone. There is at least one other person that understands your struggle. And if we, as people, especially as Christians, were more willing to be open and honest would learn just how many of us have the same struggle. Struggles that are still very much stigmatized. Struggles that we didn't choose. Struggles that often lead to more confusion than understanding. More frustration than faith. And more shame than appreciation.
Psalm 34:4 ESV
I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 94:19 ESV
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.
Proverbs 3:5 ESV
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.
Matthew 11:28 ESV
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
John 14:27 ESV
Peace I leave with you: My peace I give to you: not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
Philippians 4:6 ESV
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
2 Timothy 1:7 ASV
For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline.
1 Peter 5:7 ESV
casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you
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