I turned 35 a few weeks ago. And what immediately followed was sadness. Honestly, I am still trying to move completely past the feeling. I have cried more times than I would like to admit. And I naturally feel uncomfortable being vulnerable enough to write this post. 35 feels like a big number. And my mind became completely focused on where I am in life. I never would have imagined or wished to be single at this age. I envisioned being married and raising children by now. I see almost all of my friends nearing anniversaries with double digits. I also see them raising kids. I feel like an outsider as my friends get together with one another and their children. And I cannot be a part because I am lacking that commonality. I feel like I am just stuck. Forever questioning what is wrong with me.
Then I started thinking about what the holidays brings for people. This time of year either brings joy or sorrow. It’s a time of year that brings back the heaviness of missing a loved one that is no longer here. Perhaps it’s another countless reminder of shattered relationships, and the unsolved mystery of why. Or, maybe the reason is known and it’s full of betrayal. It’s the stress of time flying by and finances being tight. The list is truly endless. And for some, it’s all excitement and delight.
The one word that keeps swimming around in mind as I work on this post, is hope. Hope: “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” The word is most often considered to fall in the category of optimism. Yet, what about the times that it hurts to hope? The instances where you have hoped for something for years. Where your hope started out like a balloon full of air. And as the process of waiting has dragged on the balloon has gradually deflated. Or, maybe something so overwhelmingly heartbreaking occurred and the balloon was popped in an instant.
To me the hurt associated with hoping is a combination of things. The most obvious is the factor of time. We want things when we want them and exactly how we want them. Therefore, any time spent waiting is going to be unpleasant. There is also the factor of fear. Our minds cannot help but wander into the never ending “what if?” scenarios. And then there’s the factor of trust. Do we trust other people that are part of the situation? Do we trust ourselves? As a Christian, it’s do you trust God?
Hope moves us forward when we would rather stay put. Well, if that isn't also a simple example of the Holy Spirit then I don't know what is. Hope leaves us open to the possibility of experiencing pain. Ironically, hopelessness does the same thing. Ever known someone that has been let down so many times their attitude is that they now expect that to always occur; and they believe by doing so it will prevent them from being hurt. Or, perhaps you have felt that way. I've tried that before. And I am here to say it still hurt. It essentially reaffirmed my pessimist attitude.
I would love to tell you that at the first sign of pain following turning another year older that like a "good Christian" I fell to my knees in prayer. I instead chose to wallow in all of my feelings and shut God out. And then after several days I did talk to Him. Although I don't know that talk is the right word. I yelled in my car. I poured all of my anger, disappointment, mistrust and second guessing out. My fellow drivers probably thought I was going off on some poor innocent soul over Bluetooth. This too went on for several days. And although I don't recommend that be your regular approach to prayer, I will say it's sometimes necessary. I believe this because prayer in the most basic context is communicating with God. And as someone that strives to always have communication that is honest, tactful, and clear in my professional setting; I value that God allows me to do the same with Him.
God already knows exactly how you feel. So, what benefit is it to try to put up a facade and tiptoe around what you both know? It's as ridiculous as when I try to act like "I'm fine" when my parents ask me what is wrong. They know me so well they can tell by my facial expressions, tone of voice and overall appearance. Sure I can tell them "I'm fine". However, my demeanor tells them otherwise.
I spent years letting my insecurity be a barrier when it came to praying. If I am completely transparent, I let the lies of fear and doubt convince me that God couldn't really take all of my feelings and still lovingly respond. I assumed that He would respond with disappointment, which I think is a great example of how warped our thoughts on our own can be. I mean the fact that I would hold onto a belief that fails to acknowledge the element that God already knows it all is quite silly. And it serves as a reminder of just how untrustworthy my flesh is.
For your sake and mine, I wish there was a simple way to hold onto hope that also prevented pain. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I've begged and pleaded with God to remove my desire for marriage and to be a mother if it's not in His plan for me to experience those things. Yet, I remain in an all too familiar cycle. One where my balloon is on the verge of being completely out of air. And then somehow in ways that my mind cannot conceive, the Holy Spirit puts more in it. And I find myself at the beginning of the sequence again. It's where I am fully trusting God's goodness.
Praying through pain is about as pleasant as walking barefoot over a pile of Legos. Yet, it's what's waiting on the other side that brings the soothing relief that even if it's only for what feels like moments, the crushing pressure of the pain minimizes.
Psalm 40:1-3 ESV
I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God: many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.
Isaiah 41:10 ESV
Do not feat, for I am with you: do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Romans 8:24-26 ESV
For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Philippians 4:7 ESV
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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