I attended Christmas Eve service at church. It's quite common for a video to play before the message. Sometimes it's an intro that has to do with the series. Other times it highlights a particular member and the miracles and wonders of God. The service's video ended up being an example of the latter. It dealt with a man's COVID hospitalization, the uncertain and grim moments, his and his wife's faith, and God's healing. And while it's a valuable story, I was completely triggered. Within seconds of it starting, I was wishing I was not trapped in the middle of the row I was sitting in. Mentally I was transported back into those moments of my own experience. Those times where I was isolated, fearful, struggling to breathe, and unable to comprehend what the ending would be. I wish I could say that I immediately clung to and powered through my anxiety and discomfort by recalling the mercy and healing my family and I have received. However, the reality is I was utterly unnerved and found it challenging to focus on the message.
Many feelings and thoughts have swirled around inside of me since that first initial shock. As I sit here and continue to ponder them, I am struck by a few things. First, how quickly a single thought or experience can overpower our minds. And how easy it is to become derailed by them. Second, how many people have been touched by COVID. And third, how much uncertainty this year produced.
In a way, 2020 has given simultaneous feelings of being both quick and stagnant. Lockdowns and the shift towards remote living and working are double-edged swords. It came with the opportunity for the pace of life to slow down, drove us to be more mindful of maintaining relationships and creating meaningful moments, increased awareness of the freedom to choose, and highlighted the importance of educating ourselves when it comes to beliefs. On the flip side, it also came with division, a more vivid picture of our society's reality, destruction to relationships and stability, and a push to opt for noise over silence. Both beauty and ugliness mark the year.
I think fear has been the main culprit behind some of the ugly moments. Like any other emotion, fear can be intense. Many felt the intensity when it came to health and finances. Others felt it about their freedom. And nearly all of us have felt it as we wonder how and when this pandemic will be resolved. Our fear, in turn, has dictated our words and actions.
So, as I reflect on my highs and lows from this year, there is one reminder that outweighs it all. It's the gift of my salvation and the promise of eternity in heaven. I can't think of a more impactful year that has made me repeatedly hold onto the hope that all of the brutality of this world has an expiration date. I am genuinely perplexed at how anyone could make it through the rollercoaster that is 2020 without knowing and believing this promise. It's been a year of worldwide heartbreak. And a year with harsh realities that will be bleeding over into the new one on the horizon. Perhaps that is the larger message for Christians.
It's easy to put blinders on and only focus on what directly affects us as an individual. It's also easy to become complacent. At least for me, this year challenged both of those things. And as a Christian, I should want to continue to grow and evolve in feeling more convicted when I choose to be selfish instead of selfless. I should also decide to step into faith instead of keeping my feet firmly planted in my comfort zone.
My anxiety and insecurity are always teaming up to keep me retreating from people and places. It's a counterfeit comfort. The initial presentation is that of rest, protection, and ease. The truth is that retreating means missed opportunities, stunted growth, and isolation. I'm not sure if the choice will ever get easier because my human nature and the spirit of God are always in contrast. I need to look no further than this blog as an example of the internal battle. This journey of vulnerability started over a year ago. The experience before hitting the publish button is always the same. It includes common questions. Does this post even make sense? Shouldn't I just keep it to myself? Who cares if I write or not? Are you doing this for the right reasons? Do you know what you are talking about? Is the content relevant? I often ask my mom to read my rough thoughts before I press on with finishing them. I have to choose to step into the uncomfortable intentionally. When doing so, I am choosing to trust that God will deliver on my two desires. First, that I would grow as I release my thoughts and feelings through transparency. And second, that at least one person will feel less alone in their thoughts and feelings. God's track record on following through is 100 percent. However, that doesn't erase my natural reaction to question and minimize his abilities.
2 Timothy 1:7 ESV
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
As a Christian, that spirit is inside of me. The problem is that I often silence it by allowing the volume of my human nature to be the thing I hear with the most clarity. I have never been big on New Year's Resolutions. I've learned that if I don't buy into something, my motivation is typically lacking. However, I do like to reflect on what knowledge I have gained and how I want to apply that moving forward. This year reminded me of God's goodness. It also reminded me that I regularly struggle with fear. I learned that thinking about the unknown can either cripple or strengthen you, especially as a Christian. I saw this play out when I applied to grad school, continued to be out in public for work, and battled COVID. I also presently see this when dealing with the lingering effects of COVID.
Given all of this, here is what I desire to strive for in this next year. I want to put more tally marks under the choice of faith instead of fear. I want to quickly recall the thoughts and feelings of the challenging moments with such precision that God uses it as a method for increasing my compassion for others. And I want to continue to push through the discomfort of choosing authenticity over the sham of having it all together. The world doesn't need any more falsehood, especially when it comes to Christianity.
Romans 8:5-6 ESV
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set that mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:18-21 ESV
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8: 38-39 ESV
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Song: Birds
Artist: Anna Golden
Song: No Fear
Artist: Kari Jobe
Song: Getting Ready
Artist: Maverick City Music
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