We often view the start of a new year as this grand opportunity to begin again. It presents itself as a blank slate. We try to leave the ugliness of the previous year behind in hopes that the memories will fade as the appeal of an unknown adventure awaits us. I can see the dream scenario now. This will be the year that exercise will increase as weight decreases. All of the stuff we have, to-do lists, and balancing of schedules will go off without a hitch as unwavering organization guides us. The numbers in the bank account will not only increase, but also allow for more travels. Time restraints will lessen, allowing for extra opportunities with family and friends. There is no place for hardships, sadness, disappointment, or failure because those things add hues of gray and black in this vibrant imagery we have created. This will be the year that everything falls into place, and happiness, achievements, and fullness will mark each day.
Perhaps you feel I am being sarcastic or mocking others. Please believe me when I say that is not my objective. I am on board with having and working towards goals. There really wouldn't be much to propel us forward without striving to do and be better than we were before. Yet, I cannot escape that there is something that often hides under the surface. We typically assess and inquire about it in quiet shame. However, it also happens to be what our society tells us will aid us in being the best, comparison. As much as we would like to deny it, we have participated in this unhealthy practice of measuring ourselves against others. And I will admit that I do so regularly. Sure, there are times that my tally marks for the day are lower than others. Nonetheless, I'm doubtful I have made it through a day where I didn't earn at least one mark.
Sometimes the trigger behind my reflex to compare is glaringly apparent. For example, anything that brings about the reminder of my singleness. I'm glad you cannot see the cringe on my face as I describe the most recent instance. And wouldn't you know it started during the same Christmas Eve service I discussed in my last post? The pastor briefly shared about the upcoming series in January. Song of Solomon: A book in the Bible about your love life. I could not see anything the seconds directly following the announcement because I rolled my eyes back into my head. Let me walk you through the rather embarrassing progression of thoughts derived from the fixation on this newly discovered information. First was the overwhelming timeline of 13 weeks. I couldn't help but question how I would power through discipleship group discussions for this study from January until the beginning of April. I mean, that's almost my entire upcoming semester for school.
Then I started making plans about how I will have to retreat behind the walls that commonly surround my deep and tearful struggle to hold onto hope that marriage is part of the story God has written for me. I decided there will be no ugly crying in public and no willingness to discuss the longing, questioning, and pain that accompanies this topic. Perhaps I could go so far as asking to be skipped over if a question was posed to me that could potentially shake the walls of my fortress. Second, I began thinking about how almost all of my friends are married. And while each year brings them the celebration of an anniversary, I feel like I get a new scarlet S for spinster-to replace the faded one from the year before. Naturally, the final flawed piece added to the ugly puzzle I was building was none other than the countless ways I compared myself to the married women I know. I analyzed their attributes and reflected on which ones I need to obtain.
While I won't list every tormented conclusion I drew, I will shed light on some general themes. The central belief is that there is something wrong with me. This encompasses physical appearance, personality, achievements, and possessions. What is also included is this 50/50 split between wishing the mystery of my disfunction would be revealed to me and fear that I cannot handle the truth. So, there it is. The messy, tender, and humiliating reality I work so hard to hold close to my chest and avoid discussing. And this all too familiar diseased thought process is one I would rather pretend didn't exist, but it forces me to ponder the topic of comparison.
Comparison breeds competition and discontentment. I mean, how will our ego be stroked if we don't look better, own more and newer things, know the most, and have more likeability than those standing next to us? And until those items are checked off on the scoreboard, the striving will continue to be motivated by our displeasure. So, we spin our wheels as we work tirelessly to alter our presentation and acquirement of things. Always pressing forward towards the goal of more, because until we have it all, we are at risk of being surpassed by another.
I think we can be quick to believe the disillusioned promise comparison offers. Comparison operates under the guise that the goal is to assess yourself honestly. Which will then propel you to be who and where you want to be. The reality is that comparison is a web of lies we so quickly become entangled in. As a Christian, comparing isn't solely a struggle with our perception of ourselves and others. It's a struggle to trust God's goodness and what his word says about our worth.
Our disappointments can direct us to compare. Success over sorrow is the goal of fake images. Comparison uses present and past pain. It's the multiplication of misery. There is often a loss associated with comparison. Staying in the cycle robs us of confidence, true identity, joy, and peace. Therefore, it impacts the health of our souls. The dissatisfaction that comparison creates is a tool the enemy uses to distract us. Comparison shifts our perspective from God's goodness to the warped view that he is withholding from us. Ungratefulness prompts comparison. We often miss what we do have because we are so focused on what we don't have. Comparison can lead us to take control of situations instead of waiting on God. When we meditate on lies, we start to believe them. Believing and acting on the lies of the enemy causes us to become enslaved. In doing so, we hide our authentic self in hopes that we will become more appealing. Outward appearances are often attempting to mask the chaos we feel inside.
Wrestling with God is a necessity when it comes to spiritual growth. It's a process that helps us weed out the enemy's lies and replace them with sound truth. The ultimate goal to achieve after a phase of wrestling is rest. There is an ache of loneliness that I try to satisfy with stuff and otherworldly options. The reality is that this ache will always exist on this side of heaven because it's a consequence of the broken world we live in. My insecurity and sometimes jealously is at the core of my wrestling match with God about the topic of marriage. My human flesh struggles to accept the true worthiness I have in Christ. It's a tiring battle because of how much mental and emotional energy is spent in a prison cell structured by lies. When I allow the Holy Spirit to clear the fogginess of mistruths, I am given a sobering thought. I am reminded the issues of insecurity and jealously will not miraculously disappear in marriage. If anything, there will be a new creation of matters to contend with.
The goal of my transparency through writing was produced by a desire to release thoughts and feelings. The hope was that I would move further away from my natural reflex to keep everything inside. I have shared before the process is not filled with ease. It's an all-out battle between my mind and the Spirit that lives within me. I must choose who will win each round. Old habits die hard is the epitome of where my mind takes me each time. Yet, there is a competing nudge. One that causes me to question my habits and evaluate what is truly gained by holding on to them. My untrustworthy mind would say I get to maintain my comfort. The Holy Spirit tells me that I will be uncomfortable either way, but only one of the options offers growth.
I would like to wrap up with something I recently read. It brought on one of my favorite kinds of moments. The ones where I feel this special connection with the Holy Spirit as he gives me great pause and leads me to deeply reflect on words and thoughts that he pieces together with such perfection.
"One thing God cannot do is lie. He will not repeat the lies others have spoken over you. He will not allow a lie you've spoken over yourself to be called truth. He will not allow a label to be your limit. In his presence, every label falls away, even the ones you've written on yourself. He calls you by name, not the names you've been called. He calls you by the name the Spirit sees when it hovers. He's been face-to-face with your deepest longings and darkest fears. He sees the unformed places. He sees the disappointed hope. He sees the misty clouds of confusion. He sees the heaving tumult of humanity in crisis. He hears the cries of the frightened and the lonely. He feels the pain of the shunned and the isolated. He sees the snare of sin and shame. He sees the many waters that threaten to overwhelm. He sees through the fathoms of darkness that grayed the color of your world with swaths of shadow. He sees all of this and speaks light. Others may call you girl. He calls you daughter. Others may call you failure. He calls you daughter. You may call yourself heterosexual, transgender, asexual, lesbian, or any other vase assortment of labels. He calls you his own. Daughter is higher and reaches deeper than gender. Daughter is more intimate than your sexual orientation. Daughter is who you are to your Creator. God doesn't address us as girls and boys. He calls us daughters and sons. There are intimate places in each of us that can be touched only by him. There are places within us that were created to respond to God's Spirit. We call out for his touch each time we breathe the name of Jesus."
Source: Adamant by Lisa Bevere
Genesis 1:26-27 ESV
Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
I samuel 16:7 ESV
But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
Pslam 139:13-16 ESV
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Proverbs 31:30 ESV
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Isaiah 43:1 ESV
But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel; "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine."
Zephaniah 3:17 ESV
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
John 1:10-13 ESV
He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. but to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.
John 3:16 ESV
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Romans 5:8 ESV
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 8:32 ESV
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Romans 12:2 ESV
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
2 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.
Ephesians 1:4-6 ESV
Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to praise of his glorious grace with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Ephesians 2:10 ESV
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
I Thessalonians 1:4 ESV
For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you.
I Thessalonians 2:13 ESV
But we ought always to give thanks to God for you, brothers beloved by the Lord, because God chose you as the firstfruits to be saved, through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.
Titus 3:4-7 ESV
But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, but the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
1 Peter 2:9 ESV
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of the darkness into his marvelous light.
I Peter 3:3-4 ESV
Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
I John 3:1 ESV
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.
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