I keep hoping a reprieve is on the way. Every aspect of life feels so dang hard right now. Perhaps this is a season meant to be full of growing pains. I have been wrestling with finding rest. I’m not talking about in the physical sense but in the spiritual one. And ironically, lack of spiritual rest does tie in with my physical energy. I have been drowning and burnt out with work for the past several months. I could write multiple pages about the topic; however, that would only increase my blood pressure and anxiety. And I have found myself growing tired of listening to my complaints.
My confidence in the ability to do my job has decreased. What has increased is my irritability, lack of trust in the child welfare system, disbelief in people above me saying they support me and, the hopelessness that families are better because of the involvement of the “system.” If there was an award for most tears shed in the last two weeks, I believe I could win. Heck, I could probably win just based on today’s count alone.
And as I sit here and ponder while listening to a playlist of Christian music, I can see what my big glaring issue is. I have always thought of stillness in God as one thing; peace. Stillness in God is multifaceted. Yes, there is the aspect of peace. Which most often is from the Holy Spirit and His presence. Stillness also involves action on my part. And for me, it has less to do with physical activity and more to do with a mental one. It’s the action of ceasing the striving. For me, the issue isn’t that my day is jammed pack with activities that prevent me from stillness. My problem is the battle in my mind. The one that has many aspects. There is the aspect of grappling with the demands of my job, the part of humanity I am immersed in, and that my job duties have less to do with people and more to do with papers. That last part is most annoying to me. There is also the aspect of battling my broken thoughts that always want to go to war against what scripture says. The lies that I am quick to believe. And the reminder that my skull seems impossibly thick when it comes to taking in the promises of God. This then leads right into how easily I fret about the future. The unknowns and the worry of things not working out or happening can be downright crippling if I let it take up residency. My list of maladaptive thoughts is rather long. The enemy only needs to target one thing off that list to get me distracted and discouraged.
Jesus’ limitless power with nature is illustrated in Mark 4:35-40.
On that day, when evening came, he said to them, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd, they took him along with them in the boat, just as he was; and other boats were with him. And there arose a fierce gale of wind and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him and said to him, “Teacher do you not care that we are perishing?” And he got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And he said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
I must admit that I find it comforting that the disciples who saw Jesus’ work being performed firsthand in front of them still struggled to exercise faith. And that is why scripture is living. The same lesson from thousands of years ago is just as relevant and necessary to me today. My first instinct is to panic and question God’s awareness of the situations I am encountering. If all of nature was created by and still responds to God’s voice, then why would I think my tiny world cannot be altered by it as well?
I have been thinking that the stillness will come when everything outside of me becomes calmer. It’s the exact opposite. The chaos inside of me is far heavier than the chaos in the world around me. My endurance is depleted quicker by mental strife than by physical exertion. Ceasing the striving means I am laying aside my desire to control. It’s stepping into the faith that God is in control. Although He doesn’t need me in order to work, my unwillingness to surrender can create a barrier to receiving everything He has to offer me. When I lay something down before Him, I need to leave it there instead of coming back to pick it up. It’s like telling someone you need their help, finding immediate dissatisfaction in their efforts and then taking back over to do it all yourself again
Romans 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
The reminder in all of this is that our minds are often the beginning of our demise. One warped thought can send us down a rabbit hole that will swallow us whole if we aren’t careful. When my mind is left to its own devices it is unstable and anything but still. It becomes the prison I live in. And the only way to avoid being an inmate is to continually alter it by the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s pushing through the growing pains. The ones that include reading scripture even when you’re shaking your fist at God like an angry child. The ones that include praying even when all you can manage are a handful of words and tears. The ones that include switching the radio station when your flesh has you believing that you feel more connected to the lyrics of a secular song instead of a praise and worship one. The ones that include taking uncomfortable steps of vulnerability and admitting that you are not ok. It’s choosing to acknowledge that the unknown is scary, but the unknown without God is downright terrifying. And realizing that you are better off as an utter mess with God than a prideful person trying to work it all out independently.
Chances are the exact thing I am hoping for is not really what I need. And it would be just like God to deliver what I need in a completely unexpected way. He has the power to free me in an instant; but where is the value in that? Our appreciation for things is sometimes deeper when we had to work through obstacles to get to the end result. For all I know all of this ongoing turmoil with work could be meant to remind me that this isn’t the career I want to have until I retire. And that the mounting discontentment may be what is needed to keep me motivated and diligent with school. I of course am speculating. Yet, I cannot wait to learn how it will turn out and how I will view it from the other side.
“I’ve found that taking five minutes a day to just stop and take captive the thoughts that might be worrying me, filling my mind with the Word of God, can help me be still. In this, we are replacing our thoughts with words of life, and as we refocus our eyes on Jesus, the things of this world that hold us down grow dim-and his light grows ever brighter.” – Lachlan Kerr
Psalm 37:8 NASB
Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
Psalm 46:10 NASB
Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth.
Psalm 62:5-8 ESV
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Isaiah 26:3-4 ESV
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
Matthew 6:24 ESV
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
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