It's been a little over a month since my last post. I still feel like I am in living in the rough seas. Nevertheless, I am moody, lacking motivation, easily frustrated, weary, and worried. You know what, though? I also find some comfort in saying that. The pull to be vulnerable is an ever-evolving process. One that requires me to fight my entire being to push through. It's a growing pain that will probably never go away. And I have to be ok with the stretching. Not because it's pleasant, but because it's necessary for myself and those around me.
I have spent the majority of my adult life masking the feelings that swirl around inside of me. I became enslaved to shame, allowing it to be my master. I became convinced that unburdening my soul would lead to misunderstandings, judgment, weakening of relationships, and dependence on others. I lived on a hamster wheel that had me running towards the goal of minimizing exposure. I look back now and have to laugh that I thought I looked like I had myself together. Why? Because it's just so ridiculous. I may have fooled myself into believing my outward appearance didn't give any indicators. However, I am quite sure to others I looked like the dash of an old car well over 150,000 miles; warning lights as bright as a Christmas tree in December.
Shame is this powerful feeling that becomes the place we dwell. Honestly, the tale is as old as time. When we look back at the beginning of creation, it's part of the foundation that became intertwined with our demise. Before sin entered the scene, Genesis 2:25, "And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." We don't have to go far to see just how quickly that changes.
Genesis 3:7-10 ESV
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself.”
Let’s try to unpack this here in a rather simplistic way. The unfolding of creation started with God preparing a place for Adam and Eve. And once everything was perfect, He added each of them individually to complete the progression. They could partake of the splendors before them. However, they were to avoid eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Sounds relatively simple, right? It probably could have been had a couple of things not occurred. First, they had the freedom to choose. Second, the serpent and the twisting of God’s words.
Now having grown up in church, I can recall many occurrences where people debated who was really to blame between Adam and Eve. And in doing so, it moves us further away from the actual lesson. It’s not so much a matter of who holds the most blame. It is a demonstration of how the power to choose can lead to pride. And it shows that no matter how great of a scenario we may have, our freedom to choose can demolish it all in a matter of minutes.
Let me give you a simple example of how I have done just that. I remember being in my early 20s and getting a credit card. Now for years, my parents had advised me of the pitfalls. Yet, I, of course, believed I knew better. I mean, that is one of the most significant assumptions you make as a young adult that you know better than those that have decades of firsthand experience. So, I took all of my pride and got myself a credit card. What did I get in return? Debt and absolutely no recollection of how I spent all of that money. Now, as you can imagine, my pride and immaturity combined forces and then added shame into the mix. Instead of admitting my unwise choice and seeking support to guide me out of the mess, I tried to conceal it. Long story short, it was a brief period before it all unraveled, and my parents could see I was in a predicament.
Shame is what so often holds us back from moving forward into the power of God's grace. It tells us that what we have done makes us unappealing to others, which in turn means we must be unlovable to God. Since our minds cannot conceive how God could look at us and not feel immense disappointment, we try to measure His love based on the love we receive by those around us.
Shame is a liar. It disguises itself as comfort when it is misery. It fools us into believing that keeping things concealed produces more pros than cons. It tells us that we are risking far too much by coming clean. And it’s preciously the tool Satan uses to keep us shackled to the idea that God cannot handle the real us. The one that wakes up and makes foolish decisions every day. The one that lets others down. The one that takes something pure and makes it dirty. The one who squanders gifts and opportunities. The one that cannot seem to get the lesson no matter how many times it’s taught. The one that fails to live up to the expectations. The dishonest one. The one that takes what is for someone else. The one that does all of the talking and none of the listening. The one that is easily offended by others. The one that boasts about themselves. The one that seeks fleeting and empty comforts of the world instead of the refuge of their creator.
Can I tell you what I continue to find when I allow God to move me into the first step right outside of shame, freedom? It’s the first time you feel as though you can take a breath that isn’t wholly labored. It’s the beginning of when you get to drop all of the crap you have been carrying that you shouldn’t be holding onto in the first place. It’s when the blinders come off, letting you see what is around you instead of merely what is in front of you. It’s the beginning of the whispers that you couldn’t hear before. The ones that tell you, you are valuable. It’s the start of the realization and reassurance that your experience, combined with God’s power, is precisely what another soul in this world needs. The soul that feels alone overlooked, hopeless, and is desperate for relief.
I believe God desires our vulnerability. It’s two-fold. He uses it to change us and those around us. Just think about how less scary transparency seems when you see someone go before you in boldness. What we quickly forget is that we likely all feel the same when we are teetering on the edge of taking such a plunge. We are wrestling with how paralyzing fear is. I challenge you along with myself to make those shaky steps into the terrain of openness. Our world is full of illusions. Deception breeds abuse and discord. There is not a single person among us that has it together. As Christians, we should drop the façade and proclaim our dependence on God. Doing anything else intensifies the innate belief that we can make it through this life without Him.
So, here is my admission. I don’t currently have a single thing together. These days I am quick to anger. I am drowning at work and feel like I fail the families I am working with more than I aid them. I am starting grad school in less than a month, and my self-doubt is growing with each passing day. I question God and wrestle with the Holy Spirit constantly. Like my distant relative, Eve, I tend to believe I know better. Yet, no matter my imperfections, I am precious to my savior. I will always struggle with telling others just how much of a mess I am. However, God is ever faithful when I relinquish the control. Without His mercy and persistence, I don’t know where I would be. And without the promise of the total freedom that awaits me in heaven, I would surely be but an empty being aimlessly wandering this world.
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